Tell Me a Tail

Lately, I've had lots of time lately to spend with my pets. The dogs have us trained to get them treats whenever we go into the kitchen. If we don't, the larger of the two (a Border Collie) woofs at me til I do. The two cats are cool looking and really pretty but they are dumb as dirt. Once, we were trying to figure out what animals cats are stupider than. We got to krill and couldn't think of anything else. They are fun, sweet and really cute, but haven't got the brains God gave a turnip. Now, I'm not saying that dogs are that smart, but compared to cats? Einstein!

One of the coolest things about all of them is their tails. Wilson, our kitten, sometimes notices he has something attached to his butt which really makes him mad so he grabs his rear end with both front paws and attacks his tail. He ends up somersaulting off whatever surface he happens to be on which is usually our bed. When he lands on the floor he sits up and looks around completely bewildered. Then he saunters off as if to say " What? I didn't do anything."

The dogs just use their tails to register emotion. They wag when they're happy, hang when they're sad and go under their legs when they're scared. It would be so cool to have a tail! I wouldn't want a prehensile one because I would feel compelled to climb things and I really don't like heights. I would wag it a lot, though.

If people had tails it would make clothes a lot different. I can just hear them on Project Runway; "Heidi, look at the embellishment on the tail area!" "I was just noticing that, Nina, its brilliant!" Furniture would have to be designed to accommodate tails. I can see that recliners could be a problem but when I found a chair I like I would wag like there is no tomorrow.

I would wag my tail at the gym unless it got caught in a weight machine. Then I'd yelp and put it between my legs when I got it out. When I saw the hub or my kids, I'd wag it like crazy. When I went by my old work place, it would stick straight out and bristle like a big mascara brush. A tail would be awesome on cold days - You could wrap it around your feet instead of slippers. On April Fool's Day, your tail could tap people on the shoulder while you're looking totally in the other direction. Plus you could secretly hold tails behind everybody's back if you had a "thing" going on. There are all kinds of kinky possibilities which I am embarrassed to go into but use your imagination.

I think I need to spend less time contemplating my pets. I'm starting to really want a tail. And not just because I'm thinking kinky. Can you imagine sports teams congratulating each other with tails? Football pads for tails? This could go on for a really long time. I have lots of time on my hands...