Football Night in My Living Room

So I'm busy sitting on my butt watching the Patriots grind the Colts into the turf. I enjoy watching football. I do not understand the game beyond the basics but its fun to watch. I really like Peyton Manning even though he's a Republican. Hey, nobody's perfect. He has a rocket for an arm and he's really funny. Peyton is one of the few athletes on TV that they put in ads who is genuinely funny. Tom Brady is a handsome man who is also a great quarterback. He is very fertile and apparently can cause a woman to conceive just by appearing on the cover of a magazine she's holding. I think he's a little effeminate looking. But then I like a scruffy guy.

I enjoy looking at Randy Moss, he's what they call a "tall drink of water". He's a wide receiver. No clue what that is and he's not really wide at all but he catches a lot of balls. Randy used to be a Raider but he was better than all the other Raiders combined so he became a Patriot. Dallas Clark is a Colts tight end. I like tight ends because they tend to have them. In fact if I played football, I'd like to be a tight end, just so announcers could say my name and "tight end" in the same breath.

It would be weird to be a center because the quarterback gets very familiar with your nether regions. Centers rarely have tight ends. They do have big guts, but "big gut" is not an official position. If I was a center, I would worry about gassiness. That could be devastating in an important game - I mean imagine if its 3rd and goal and your team is 4 points down. There's one minute to go in the fourth and the center lets one go just as the Q.B. puts his hands in the center's wahoo and starts calling the signals . What does he do? Blame the burrito he ate at lunch? I think the center would have to step up and accept responsibility for vaporizing his team's chance at the playoffs.

Like I said, I understand the basics but all this route, pattern, halfback, fullback, stuff simply doesn't compute. Just give the large man the ball and let all the other large men jump on him. Once, when I was a teenager, I met Joe Namath in a restaurant. He always looked small on the field on TV but in person he was HUGE! He signed an autograph for me and my sister "Love and peace, Joe Willie Namath." My mom checked to see that he wrote the right kind of "peace" before she let us have them. Joe was a playa and my mom had a dirty mind. Great combo .

So, the Colts are showing signs of life, the cheerleaders are shaking their things and the beer products are stupid (a can that changes color when its cold - really? But those ads are really clever.) and I'm still sitting here watching. I've decided that if I had to choose I'd take Payton over Tom. Sense of humor goes waaaay farther than girly good looks any day!


UPDATE: Colts win! I chose well...