Love Me, Love My Hair

I was raised by a mom who loved me but had really odd ways of showing it. Nowadays, and since my kids were little, parents have known that its important to make sure a child has a healthy self esteem. Its gotten to the point that its not unusual to run into a kid with an ego the size of a Buick. Then you want to run into them again. But, I digress.

My mom was of the opinion that a person, particularly a female person, should never like her looks. Her hair was to be scorned, processed and dyed (in her favor, she did have a kind of Pepe Le Pew meets Cruella DeVille thing going on under the dye). Faces are places to put makeup ("After 16, a woman needs to wear makeup every day" ), and bodies are to be reviled and forced to lose weight whether they need to or not. But not by doing excercise. Just by eating less and less. Its a wonder my sister and I aren't anorexic. I do take Paxil every day, though...

The wierd thing is, my mom was an extrordinarily beautiful woman. She always reminded me of Snow White, what with the black hair, blue eyes and pale skin. She also had a rack like Marilyn Monroe. Since she never nursed babies (It wasn't done in the '50s) so those puppies were perky til the day she died. I got my chest from my dad - literally. Oh well, they say small busted women have big hearts and I do.

Once, when I was about seven, I asked my mom if I was pretty. If she'd said "yes", I would have felt good and forgotten all about it. What she said was "Looks aren't important - what's important is your personality". She was right, of course, but not hearing "yes" meant "no" to my larval brain. And I have remembered that all these years. She also always told me I needed to lose "5 more pounds". I also should wear my hair short because the long hair "adds 5 pounds" My mom had a thing about 5 pounds. Every Christmas she "gained 5 pounds" and was "on a diet"She must have gained and lost 5,000 pounds over the course of my childhood. Five pounds at a time.

It bugged her that I didn't really care about my weight, hair length/style, ("After 16 - pigtails belong in the barnyard") or make up. She said one day that she was too young to have a gray haired child. I said it wasn't that gray and I didn't want to dump chemicals all over my head so I look young. She said "Oh, no you're not one of those women who likes their gray hair!" Heaven forbid I should like my hair. I've been working out like a maniac lately so I'm liking my body, too. Mom's ashes are probably whirling around in their urn.

Anyway, I know that "5 more pounds" was Momese for "I love you", but it wasn't great for developing self esteem. I've lost 50 pounds now and it would be cool to be able to show my mom but she'd probably say "You're going to keep it up, right? And lose 5 more pounds." Then I'd have to scream until no more sound came out and eat til there was no more food in the house. Hey, I think I just figured something out - I wasn't a fat ugly kid - I was normal!