Today somebody asked me if I ever get mad. I admit, I have a relatively cheerful demeanor. But yes, I get mad from time to time. I think, though, that as one ages it becomes easier to compartmentalize things like being pissed off. I mean once life gut-punches you enough times, I guess you just learn to not let your emotions run your life. Yes, life has mostly been kind to me, but when the hits have come they've been doozies.
So I keep most of my emotions in the closet. I take them out and massage them now and again if I feel like it, but, really, why bother spending a lot of time with the negative ones? Its more fun to hang with the positives. For example, it really fries my bacon that the sweet girl down the street had to go through the trauma of being attacked on the street outside our house this morning. I could dwell on that and get really scared - he had a gun...
Happy though, because she's physically fine and some of the neighborhood ordinary Joes ran the guy off. Mad because that's how we know the rat bastard had a gun - he fired at one of them. Three times! Happy again - the guy's a lousy shot - nobody was hurt. Mad because he disturbed our peace.
I get mad when I think about the idiots that fired me from my job of twenty years. It would be easy to wallow in that anger. What would be the point? I already had one stroke - don't need more...Apparently, I had a (tiny) heart attack when I had my stroke. Don't need any more of those, either.
The doctors who prescribed Yaz to my friend when they knew she shouldn't take it make me mad. Her stroke almost killed her. Incompetence of any kind is irritating, but that seems downright criminal.
Bureaucracy is annoying. Sometimes it seems like they make paperwork for the sake of paperwork. If I really got chewing on it, I would be really sad 24/7 because my daughter has to take anti-rejection drugs her entire life. But my sadness would have nothing on the grief of the people who's son gave her his heart.
I could spend my days agonizing over that same daughter's loss of a kidney to cancer when she was a baby. Or I could rejoice in her life. Same kid...Her dyslexia could make me sad...but I love that I got to spend time reading her books that I never read in high school. And over the phone in college. I am also glad we have a good phone plan.
The fact that aside from beautiful blue eyes, I gave my son my chronic anxiety could depress the hell out of me, but I'm just happy he is finding his way and he has found someone to love who loves him back.
The thing is, I have every reason to wallow in a gooey pool of mad, sad, depressed ick. But I would get nothing out of it and it would irritate everybody around me. I think a person has to live the best they can for themselves. But you also have to be aware of the effect you're having on those around you. You choose your mood. I choose happy. If somebody doesn't like it, they can sit on it. And spin.
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