And the Award Goes To...

I know I said I wouldn't be posting til our computer got fixed/replaced/put out of my misery, but I was reading an old newspaper and saw something that couldn't wait. There was an article about something called the "sag" awards. I thought "Awesome! Finally an award I can relate to". Turns out its not about what I thought it was about. Actors give awards to each other.

So its not enough that there's an award that the people choose. They get a big chunk of glass for winning that. There's an award that the academy chooses. That one nets the winner a nekkid golden man with a sword. There's an award from the foreign press that gives the winner a golden globe. There's even one that awards a surfboard...

Now I imagine a bunch of egotistical actor-types sitting around trying to figure out another way to get free dresses/suits, publicity and gift bags. Oh yeah, and another award. Only this one could be a nifty statue of an actor a la Degas or Goya. "Hmmm, who else can honor us?" they'd muse. Eventually, a light would go on - "Let's honor ourselves!". And so the Screen Actor's Guild awards were born.

Personally, I like my original interpretation better. "And the award for best under arm sag goes to..."The trophy could be a gold plated pill box so all the sagsters would have a place to keep their meds. Pretty, and practical - just the thing for baby boomers and older. And people my age would be on the young side for sagging awards. Betty White could host.

Also, imagine the red carpet - it would be extra wide to accommodate all the walkers and electric scooters. Designers would be forced to honor age and saggage rather than youth and perkiness. This would challenge everybody. Plus, those gift bags could be given to people on fixed incomes instead of really rich people who can afford to buy whatever they want anyway.

My awards show would be very long, mostly because it would take a long time for winners to get to the stage to accept their awards. The post awards dinner could be soft and bland but with plenty of fiber. Metamucil toasts would be made. A wonderful time would be had by all and everybody would turn in early. I could totally support this kind of awards show. As long as I was never nominated...