Bitches Please

So one of those vampire movies is coming out. Maybe its already here - I don't follow the series but those actors are all over the place so I figure there's something afoot. That excessively handsome young man who doesn't know a vagina from a Swedish car (see March 13) is in the movie along with another kid who recently reached his 18th birthday and women are going nuts.

Here's what's weird. When I say "women", I'm not just talking about females in their late adolescence or early 20's. There are ladies MY AGE swooning like teenagers over these (barely not) children. I have nothing against older women with younger men. I mean my son's girlfriend is 10 years older than he is. She's lovely and their relationship is wonderful. They are also in the same generation. Some of these vampire lover gals could be grandmas to the actors they're slobbering over. Ew.

I was watching the "Today Show" the other day and one of these actors had a body guard to keep people from touching the goodies while he circled the crowd. Lots of the hands they were brushing off were wrinkly and had liver spots. He was polite and gracious to everyone which makes me think he must be a pretty good actor. The body guard looked kind of disgusted. You've got to admit that's gotta be pretty icky duty.

The thing is, do they not realize the people in those movies are not real? In People Magazine a few weeks ago (Yes, I subscribe, it was a gift from the hub...What?)there was an article about a woman who decorated a room in her house in a total vampire movie theme. Including, but not limited to posters,cardboard standups, sheets and movie paraphernalia. I also read where marriages are breaking up over vampire obsessions. Bitches, please...

I hope women who are obsessed with these stories (and ladies, they are just stories) realize that they were made up by a woman. Lots of women write romantic fiction. Our minds just work that way. Once tapped - our romance gland can create ooey, gooey prose that would make your hair curl softly, softly over your silken shoulder. Your satin robe pushed back, while your body achingly awaited his touch.

See, all it takes is a feminine brain and a hormone. I'm not saying men can't write romance, but, ironically, the kind of brooding, manly men that vampire obsessed women fantasize about could probably no more write a romantic sex scene than decorate a powder room. Plus, I've gotten to know a few brooding men in my life and I've discovered that when women think men are awash in deep, romantic thoughts, they're most likely trying to decide on tap or bottle beer.

I hope that when all these ladies who are changing their lives for fictitious young men and scenarios float back down to earth, they have something to land on. It would be depressing to wait for a pale, young stud to bite your neck and find out that he was your grandson's friend from Oregon.