Swedish Cars

I was reading my scandal rags a week or so ago and something caught my eye. There's a young actor named Robert Pattinson. He's a really handsome fellow well known for playing a vampire in one of those unrequited love young adult movies. And also for starring in the fantasies of middle aged women (not me - I like grownups). Anyway, this kid was doing a photo shoot for Vanity Fair magazine and it involved him and a bunch of naked female models. He said that he hadn't realized that the women wouldn't bother to cover up between shots until a few hours into the eight hour shoot. As a result, this charming, well spoken young man said he thinks he's developed an allergy to vagina.

There are those who would sarcastically say "Oh boo hoo" and play a tiny pretend violin, but I feel sorry for this kid. He's 23 years old and he has no idea what he's talking about. Especially women's bodies. There are a lot of people who are equally misinformed so I feel the need to set the record straight. When that vampire kid was getting his picture taken, he wasn't looking at vaginas. Vagina is a beautiful word for a part of a woman that is inside of her.

The part he was looking at also begins with the letter "v" but its a much less attractive word. The word is very reminiscent of a Swedish model of car. I was at my gynecologist yesterday and while sitting there waiting for him, bare butt nekkid ,wrapped in paper, I looked around the office and scoped out the pamphlets and fliers in the holder on the wall. One of them was called "Care of the (Swedish Car)". I really hate that word... there's got to be a better one. I've heard "cooch" or "cooter" which are better than the other "c" word, but they sound itchy.

Whoever named our...(Swedish car) really messed up - I mean, why did they give the part you can't even see the pretty name and the pretty part that shows the industrial name? Once when I was working with little kids, a four year old girl needed help in the bathroom after going "big potty". I wiped her heinie then left her to finish up. She followed me to the sink, pants around her ankles, and snarled "You didn't wipe my vagina!" I told her that was her job.

Yeah, she was a pushy little person and she was also wrong. I knew, though, that explaining her mistake would be unacceptable and could get me arrested. So I told her mom what she said - in the guise of "isn't that cute". That way she could set her straight if she wanted, but apparently the mom was just as misinformed because the kid kept calling her (Swedish car) her vagina. This kid was a little fixated on that part of herself. Not odd for a four year old but sometimes she just wouldn't shut up about it. I wonder what she's doing now. Actually, I don't...

I really hope somebody explains womens' bodies to that young actor guy. He's good looking, charming and talented but he needs to look through an anatomy book. A man needs to understand where stuff is in order to learn how to make it work properly. If he thinks the inside is the outside and vice versa his charm and good looks will go to waste All because he couldn't find the (Swedish car) and take it for a spin.