Doing the Pants Dance

I'm having an issue with pants. It started on Sunday when I was watching a random football game and I noticed that if a football player has dark skin and he's wearing white football pants, when he bends over the line of scrimmage and they cram the tv camera up his rear, you can see...stuff. Straps, cracks...stuff these young men would probably rather keep to themselves. Otherwise why wear the pants? Honestly, has nobody else noticed this?

Then on Monday, I was driving over to Big Lots. That's what us non-employed types have time to do on a Monday - Anyway, I was at a stop sign and a group of teenage boys crossed in front of me. One of them had pants on that were so low that his whole butt was hanging out. He was wearing grey knit underwear - which it bothers me that I know, but the wierdest thing was that he was WEARING A BELT! I thought this whole look was about looking like you were in jail and your pants were slipping down because you have no belt. They take your belt away in jail! Plus belts just shouldn't go around your thighs. It looks odd.

My last pantalunatic experience came this noon in Subway. Three young men walked in and stood at the counter. Two of them were wearing pants that fit well. I was sitting there feeling warm and cozy inside, thinking how nice they look and that maybe there's hope for society when I noticed that their buddy was wearing jeans whose crotch was located somewhere around his mid thigh. What's with this look, I thought, Why won't it die?! Then one of the first guys' pants started doing the rumba around his heinie and I realized that he was scratching himself right there in front of the veggie counter! Ewwww!

Several years ago, my good friend's niece was getting married. As she dispatched her sons to get clothes for the wedding, her final words to them out the door was "I want to see butts!". A mother just shouldn't have to say that to her sons. The boys did well, she saw butts - just not in white football pants.